I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
