if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
