I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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