One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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