i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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