i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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