nut hugger
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
