I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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