At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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