I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
