as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
