You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
