I just saw a hot homeless man
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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