I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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