I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
