What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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