Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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