Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
