Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
