you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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