i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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