just tell him i said nine months
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
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