i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
