I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
