Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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