I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Pants are for mortals
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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