He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
