Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
