Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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