Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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