How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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