trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
