You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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