I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
