he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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