It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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