That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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