I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
