About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
