and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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