I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
did you just send me my own nude
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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