How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
