Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
