She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
