So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I need to sanitize my soul.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
