i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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