dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
