No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
