last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Randomize
