I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
